I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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