The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
