I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
