we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
