I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dick very happy bro
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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