I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
