Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
