She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
