there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
