I'll bet she douches with gravy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
