Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
