my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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