i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
