I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
