i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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