Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
