just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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