please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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