He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
