did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
