WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
