and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
