More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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