Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
