Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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