made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
