my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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