from now on my penis is your penis
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The convent might be a nice break from real life
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
