and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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