it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
