the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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