Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
