I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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