He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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