You work out of a Hotel?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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