you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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