Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sober January is a disaster.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize