i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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