I must be too annoying 4 u.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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