god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
