epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
