dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
