Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
