You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
