I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
