i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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