It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
