Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize