oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
How's work?
Spinning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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