I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
