I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
