You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
