why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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