shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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