i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
