I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
