Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
