i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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