I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
