I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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