I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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