I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
